Your New Life

a poem

They say your new life will cost you your old one
and it wasn’t until I was standing
in the wreckage of my being
surrounded by the ruins of who I used to be
that I understood what they meant

things were falling apart
each piece of my world crumbling into dust
the ground beneath me shifting

everything I thought I knew slipping away
leaving me raw
exposed

and I fought it

clung to the remnants
tried to rebuild the walls that were breaking
left claw marks on each and every piece of me
I needed to lose
but was scared to let go of

I was left in the silence
in the aftermath
the dust settling around me
as I stood in the darkness
wondering if this was it

in the quiet stillness of loss
I saw it
a sliver of light

a hint of something
beyond the carnage
something that felt like hope

It was small
fragile
but it was there.

---

Hello friend, thank you for reading my diary. I wrote this poem about when I was leaving my relationship and wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I had moved across the country to be with him, changed schools, and my family even moved after a year to be with me. I was so afraid that everyone would be mad at me for leaving that I held on for far too long.

It took me a long time to realize that my parents were not going to be disappointed in me for leaving. It actually wasn’t until I had started dating Ping Pong that I truly realized this.

It was my father’s birthday party and my mom and dad were taking to him while I went to the washroom with a friend. That friend spent the whole 3 minutes talking about how he looked at me and it was so cheesy and cute. I came back to my mom crying and hugging Ping Pong, talking about how “Devyn is back” and it’s “nice to see her happy, truly happy” and “I never thought she could be like this again.”

I truly had not realized what a mental and physical toll that took on me, and I definitely did not realize I was a shit actor and everyone knew something was wrong. All this to say, taking the leap and protecting yourself is always worth it.

Side note: I am working on a plethora of collections (poetry wise) and I am wondering which one you’d like to see first (or other suggestions) for my net book! I have happy love poems, travel poems, dark fairytale style, horny little spicy romance poems, and many more. I just don’t know how to divide them up into collections 😂 Please leave any suggestions in the comments :)

This poem is from my collection Where Wildflowers Take Root, which you can read on Substack, or purchase here. Feel free to DM me if you are interested in other places to purchase :)