A Thousand Letters
A Poem
I have written you a thousand letters in my mind a thousand letters I will never send each one filled with words I will never speak and anger I fear I will always hold in my chest they will sit unwritten at the edges of my consciousness keeping me up at night they will wait for courage that will never come lucky you you will never hurt the way I do living in an ignorance I have perfectly crafted to keep you of all people safe I finally have the love in me to do that for myself I finally have the love in me to save myself instead of you.
Hello friend, thank you for reading my dairy.
As many of you know, I got my start by sharing my poems directly from my diary online to share my experience leaving abuse, healing, and finding love.
This poem in particular is about the struggle I had with myself. I harbour a lot of guilt about not calling out my abuser. I felt like I had created this unearned safety for him while I was suffering, and that guilt kept building.
I now understand why I had avoided calling him out and I try to give myself grace in that regard, but it is by no means easy. Sometimes I still get angry about it.
If you have been here, I am so sorry. It does get better, but please know it is not your fault, and there are resources available to help you get through it. Do not be afraid to open up to people close to you, or seek professional help.
The ending of this poem was originally (and in my book) “I wish I had the move in me to do that for myself” but I wrote that before I started sharing my work, which has created a safe space for me. I feel like in writing these poems in a dark place I saved myself.
If you liked this poem, it is from my collection An Autopsy of Us, available on Substack, Amazon, and other book places (let me know if you’d like the list). I also have some happier books…
Thank you for being here 🖤